What do you do when you want to process something that happened with someone you love, but you don’t want to criticize, judge, or otherwise say bad things about them? Here are two techniques!
1. “I” statements. Instead of focusing on what the other person did or said, focus on yourself! So, instead of starting a sentence with their name, start your sentence with “I.” Curiously look in your own mirror and describe what “I” felt when “they” did or said that. What did “I” make it mean? What does it say about me that “I” reacted as I did to them doing or saying that? What is coming up in me? 2. Focus on what you are feeling. You can tell a long story about all that happened and all that was said, but at the end of the story, if your focus on the other person and what they did and said wrong, you might miss out on what it is that the “problem” is, which is how you are feeling. How did you feel when they did or said that? Remember to look in your mirror and be most interested in YOU! When I focus on me, I can learn about myself and my edges. When I focus on them, then I miss out on this opportunity. If I am looking at their behavior and seeing how I think it should have been different, then I am forgetting to be interested in my own growth. If only we knew the backstory behind how a person arrives at a certain behavior, we would see that their behavior is the end of a long chain of reasons and causes. We would understand why they are behaving the way that they are, and see that it has everything to do with them and their past experiences. When we understand them instead of criticizing their behavior, then we see that our own reaction to their behavior really is showing us about ourselves. All that I see is showing me me This is what it means to live lucidly What do I feel when They-said-that to me? Am I aware of my habitually triggered tendency? Do I hold up my mirror and notice my feel? Am I asleep at the wheel, autopilot believing my feel is real? Or can I see clearly, it is my own tendency To react with this feel when “they do that to me” Because this is my dream and “they” are projections of my mind With my eyes lucid open, I stay on the sideline So I don’t repeat another Groundhog Day, asleep, unaware That I’ve already lived this day, replanted the seed Of this reaction again, chomping on fruits of yesterday’s feed No, I’m awake in this dream! All that I feel is showing me myself! Nothing about you or them or the problem on the shelf. What does it trigger in me? What does it “make me feel?” Because I know these seeds are not real They are not eternal, they don’t have to be sown, Just noticed and felt, viscerally known. So wake up, you dreamer of surreal, magnificent fabric! Remember your mirror is the face of all you relate with!
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August 2023
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